In the middle of everything when Kai is making little snack sized sandwiches with his pepperoni and his cheese and his crackers- When the radio is playing, just four songs apart, both the songs I had chosen for the DVD I made to play at the funeral home. When the Giants beat the Pats, when it seemed that they just couldn’t. When I am cooking your chili just as you would have, except, I put way too much cayenne pepper on the steak I am browning. It was in the middle of all those moments, when it was as if you were just off to the side, nearly present, like stuck in the shimmer of the transporter beams we used to spend Saturday nights watching together. It is in those moments, the ones where you’re almost here – but just not, that I miss you something terrible. Because I can almost hear your giant laugh, almost feel your giant bear hug, but only almost, and it’s not nearly enough.
Nov6
I wish I could send you hugs over the internet. I’ve had many of those moments over the years. The pain does fade with time. I can’t tell you that it ever goes away completely, it just lessens and rears its head less. Hang in there and keep remembering all the wonderful things about your dad and keep sharing those memories with your boys.