On doing things

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I do things — I mean — you do things too – We all do things –

Today I made ginger syrup and lemon syrup, so I can flavor the soda water I make with my Soda Stream.  And I went to a birthday party, and I kept the kids sane, and I thought about the present I needed to finish making for the kiddo whose birthday party it was.

I got the This American Life ap to work on my phone, and I wrote down six story ideas, that was after I made snacks for the boys, organized all their dvd’s. Oh, and  I made a recipe binder for dinner recipes.

I made dinner, and loaded the dishwasher. I planned out our meals for the week, and made a shopping list for Russ and the small one.

I told the energetic one about thunder storms as I rubbed his back, to get him to sleep. About how they are the breath after the heat wave, how they make way for a cool front by opening up the sky, how though for sensitive people like us, they are awfully loud and scary, but when they are all gone everything feels better.

I put all my readings and homework in a pile, I made a list for my project that is due tomorrow. I started transcribing the work I’ve been doing all week. I called my mom

And now I’m blogging, talking about all these things I did today.  I mean, I also thought about my yearbook gig for the coming school year, and mock trial, and how I’m dying to beat this one school.  I thought about this new unit I want to do, and I thought about the profession of teaching, and I started writing a letter in my head to the Gazette.

This morning, someone called me a rock star, or a superhero, and I smiled, and said sure – but really, I’m just mentally ill.

This isn’t hyperbole.  My brain doesn’t stop, and if I don’t do these things that I’m thinking of – if I don’t get all of the ideas out in some kind of practice, well I feel like a failure.  “Oh Tara, you’re not a” —- shhh. Don’t even try, it won’t work – it can’t work. I’ve tried, and no amount of Stuart Smalley affirmation will fix that. ADHD doesn’t allow me to slow down, there isn’t a time when I’m thinking of nothing, when my mind quiets.  If I have ever told you, “nothing”, when asked, “whatcha thinking?”- I was lying.  Honestly, before I started my meds, my life was a million, half-done projects.  Now that I’ve started them, and have put systems in place for following up, my life is only a couple hundred thousand, half-done projects. It’s really so much better.

I’m no rock star or superhero, I am a perpetual motion machine – moved by some synapse in my prefrontal cortex, that is supposed to control my executive functioning, but can’t, and must misfire to the parietal lobe.  Eh, at least, there are tasty treats like ginger syrup and cookies ’round here, as a result of such misfirings.

2 responses »

  1. Wow. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t turn my brain off but reading this, I realize that I can turn my brain off and occasionally, I do. Reading this exhausted me. But if I had to choose between being underproductive and overproductive, I think I would pick overproductive.

  2. I keep working on the quieting the mind part. I strive to be more present and mindful — just haven’t really ever gotten very far.

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