Tag Archives: death

In the middle of –

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In the middle of everything when Kai is making little snack sized sandwiches with his pepperoni and his cheese and his crackers-  When the radio is playing, just four songs apart, both the songs I had chosen for the DVD I made to play at the funeral home.  When the Giants beat the Pats, when it seemed that they just couldn’t.  When I am cooking your chili just as you would have, except, I put way too much cayenne pepper  on the steak I am browning.  It was in the middle of all those moments, when it was as if you were just off to the side, nearly present, like stuck in the shimmer of the transporter beams we used to spend Saturday nights watching together.  It is in those moments, the ones where you’re almost here – but just not, that I miss you something terrible. Because I can almost hear your giant laugh, almost feel your giant bear hug, but only almost, and it’s not nearly enough.

Out of my system.

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Ten days after I got back to MA, ten day after my dad’s memorial service, the message came that Gram was about to pass. And for eight weeks, I had thought I was going to be okay with that message, that after everything we had gone through – I was going to be okay with that message.  But I wasn’t, and ten days after I had been home in MA, I was packing up and heading to CT. Again.

An aside-

-there about fourteen stories I have to tell you in this one post to get to the ending, so please hold on, I’ll get there.

When Papa was in the hospital – I had a lot of new CT area code numbers in my phone.  And one day when I meant to dial my mother – I dialed my grandfather. Read the rest of this entry