It wasn’t the almost-midnight, almost-falling-over laughing with new co-workers on a school night, and it wasn’t the compliments from parents at open house – It wasn’t the students being silly about my new haircut either, or my mock trial team members coming to my room every day in anticipation of our first meeting for new teammates.
It didn’t last long. It took just three words, a half a smile, and a glance to the back of the car. I’ve mentioned this before here — that one of the things that I measure my parenting by –is the love my sons have of music. So when a new favorite song of mine came on the radio, a song the energetic one asks me to turn-up every time it’s on – I turned it up before he had a chance to say anything. And in my quick glance back to see what new dance moves he was working out, he pointed at me with grin that belonged only on the Cheshire Cat, and said, “you read my mind”.
Oh sweet five-year-old, I’m not sure how much longer I will be able to do such things, to read your mind, to know what you need. But right now, right now, that I can just know your favorite song, that is enough to make me bathe in the light of the moment for the rest of the week.
A poet kicked my ass
recently challenged what I
thought I knew so well
I can’t help but be
in love with lines and stanzas
words written with care
I will dig my way out of this gray. This semi-comatose feeling, this get under the covers and hope the night is long wish – I will count my blessings.
I will list off the people who care, and love, who make cookies for me, or accept my baked goods. I will list off the students who pay attention, and listen, who read, and ask questions, I will even mention the ones who just pretend, in order to coax a smile from my the corner of my face. I will think about how high school basketball games represent all that is good and right with teamwork, and sportsmanship, and fandom.
I will revel in the fact that I have enough attention lately to consume books in great big chunks. And poetry, nearly absorbing it through my fingertips, the rate I read. And bless the music that I play over and over again, haunting little melodies that say all the sentences I wish I had finished out-loud.
I will thank the coffee bean for what can be derived inside. sweet brew of waking warmth. And the snow that covered everything the last two nights a quiet buffer between the harried noises of the world. Settling everything down before spring comes raining in.
And there is the heart of mine that aches – no matter what I throw on it to end the pain. I thank the world for this too. Heart that feels too much, takes too much in, beating flesh that loves so fiercely and breaks so easily – must remember to count that off too. Beat by beat, breath by breath, the sanguine life it pumps through me – delivering all I need to get out from under the gray, and the covers, and the long dark nights.
I have been wallowing in dark places, and leaning towards other things. I have gathered ammunition, and shot it at only those I love the most.
I have had the worst year a person could imagine, with brightness in spots like you would not even believe. I have dithered with insomnia, Read the rest of this entry